Get outta here, 2014!

This song creates the overall feeling of this blog post. I just discovered this band and they make my life so much better.

"Moving Forward" - Colony House

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMioT5A-5xM

I got a few pieces of fabric today to give a little warmth to the dingy white apartment walls. (I would paint them.. but paint is kind of permanent and not allowed..)

My awkward old clothes are being thrown in a pile to send either to a thrift store or the trash. (And the whole time I'm thinking did I seriously wear THAT?!)

Throwing away some pictures and putting up new ones. (Because junior high).

I think I'll buy a planner this year. (And actually USE it).

Welcome, Twenty Fifteen. Man, have I been waiting for you! 

It is time. Time for a new year. Other years I have probably muttered something about life moving too quickly. This one? I could not be more grateful for a new start. 

I cannot remember a time I was more excited about the New Year than Christmas. This is a first. 

This new year holds hope and life. I am more ready for it now than ever. 

2014 marked an end for many things in my life and other's lives. I can't explain it, but I think even a year ago I sensed it would be that type of year for me. I knew graduation would be one part... but I didn't realize the extent of how many things would end this year. 

I've done a lot of grieving. A lot of rethinking.

And God has been doing a lot of redeeming in the midst of it all. As always. 

So here I am one year later and you know what? I am ready. 

Ready to brush away the cobwebs. 

to embrace passion for life.

to write.

to compose.

to sing.

to teach.

to inspire. 

to dance.

to dream again. 

As the song I posted beautifully states: 

"And now bursting forth in splendor are the blossoms of second tries, because dreams that bear the mark of love are dreams that never die." 

I'm alive. If I'm alive... that means God wants me to be alive. His breath is in my lungs. And if I am alive... I am surely meant to dream. Not every dream becomes reality... 

But some dreams DO. 

So I'm moving forward. 

Here's to 2015: a year of hope, second tries, and a revival of our dreams!

Oh and lots of Nutella... because I JUST discovered how amazing it is. (And let's face it.. that should have happened in 1992. I'm a little behind).

Christmas Dreams - Part II

Yesterday and today especially have been emotionally draining days because of my own memories and grief, yet I have to share two more gifts that God has given me this Christmas. 

Gift number one: 

When I wake up on Tuesdays and Thursdays... the first thought that always comes to my sleepy mind is "Yes. It's Augustine day." 

I smile and find the strength to pull away from my bed because of this place. I love working at ACA. It fills my heart with joy. It is a gift God has given to me that continually reminds me of His faithfulness.  As I have faced difficulty the last few months, this school has turned into a safe place for my weary heart. In the midst of my pessimism these students skip along the halls and sing Christmas carols at the top of their lungs. I can't help but smile here.

We have many wonderful decorations that hang on the walls...from creations the students have made to posters of musicals performed in years past (I am still in one of those pictures!). 

One of my favorites, however, is pictured here: 

This lovely little poster hangs on the wall in one of the classrooms I work in. Most would probably say it's cheesy and would hardly acknowledge its existence. But for me? I look at it every Tuesday and Thursday and thank God that He has shown me through working here that my dreams are not pointless. My dreams are not something to be ashamed of... they are real. They are part of who I am; whom He has made me to be. I have the opportunity to teach kids how to sing and perform for His glory which is something I have always longed to do. While my dreams may not always come true the way I think they will, there is nothing wrong with them. They are, in fact, beautiful. 

Gift number two: 

This the view I have of the stage every night just before I first walk out in "A Christmas Carol": 

Warm and inviting. It waits for me and the rest of the cast to sing about the beauty of Christmas. As I look out at the sea of people every night, words cannot express my gratitude. What a healing and incredible experience. Even as my heart has been aching of memories that occurred a year ago today... I also find joy in the here and now. Any time I have had an opportunity to perform, a small part of my dreams always comes true. I have made friends, I am singing more than I ever thought I would now...

 I am free. 

The words of the Cratchit family ring true: 

"It's the plain, simple things in life on which we thrive, but most of all we're thankful we're alive."

This Christmas, what a gift it is to have beautiful dreams and to be alive!  

Christmas Dreams

As I look outside amidst the cloudy skies and feel the crisp foreboding bite of winter, I realize that this is such a bittersweet season.
For the first time in my life, I don't look at Christmas the way that I used to every year. The Christmas lights don't twinkle the same, the music doesn't immediately make me want to belt out familiar lyrics and I am in no mood to decorate anything.
Do I look at myself in sudden horror and wonder if I am in fact turning into a boring grinch-y adult? Absolutely not. I still believe Christmas is magical and beautiful just as much as I did before.
It's just that I never realized how much grief really does affect Christmas.
I used to wonder why some people became so sad around the holidays. I mean, I always understood it was because of a lost family member or a rough relationship... but I never got it. This year, the Lord has opened my eyes and made me sympathetic with those who grieve on Christmas. This is because I have a very real loss of my own.

This may sound kind of strange, but I am actually thankful for this realization.

For the sake of being completely transparent and honest, a year ago my view of this Christmas in particular was completely different. A week and half from now will be the day that I once became engaged. Here I am almost a full year later and the diamond is no longer on my finger. A year ago, I dreamed of this Christmas being the first one as a married woman... and yet that particular dream never came true.
Now let's be clear, I am not being transparent to ask for your pity. The last thing I want to hear from anyone who reads this full post is "poor Breana." That's not the point.

The point is that Christmas has a habit of bringing the truth to light. This is why it can be either beautiful or hurtful. I think it's both. Dreams either come true or they don't.

Last year, a dream came true for me. This year, that dream now remains a dream.

Now, let's not forget that I admitted I was thankful for this realization. While there are some days I cannot breathe and ask the Lord, "Why me?" Still, there are other days when I ask the Lord, "Why me?" in a humbled and thankful state. I believe this is how Mary felt when God chose her to bear Christ as a son. While we praise and honor Mary for her purity and servant heart to the Lord... there had to be times that she also suffered. She was ridiculed by others who believed she had been with a man before marriage, her betrothed almost left her, she traveled days and nights without a home in search of a lowly town...
Carrying the Son of Man was a burden indeed.

At times I feel the same way. Carrying Christ in my heart can absolutely be a burden. Resolving to forgive Him for MY dream not coming true every day is hard. Living with this new life I did not foresee is hard. Being content in the midst of emptiness and an unknown future is hard.

Yet, just as Mary found she was closer to God than she ever dreamed she would be... so have I. Although Mary endured many hardships and probably asked the Lord, "Why me?" so many times... as soon as she found God in the flesh wrapped in her arms it was all worth giving up the life she had known before.
"Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart." Luke 2:19

And although the dreams I had a year ago are now faded and lost... Christ is nearer to me than I can even begin to express. I would not trade that for a million weddings.

I am always and forever will be His bride.

And that is the most beautiful dream that could ever come true for me this Christmas.

More Pink

A few weeks ago, I went to a women's conference with my beautiful mother. This conference was about telling our life stories through symbolism. The symbolism we used were pieces of fabric on a rope, thus the conference was called "Story Rope." Each piece of fabric represented a certain season of life, a person that hurt or inspired us, a childhood memory...anything we desired or deemed that piece of fabric to be.

I spoke with one of the amazing women at the conference whom I had just met that morning. She told us her life story fabric by fabric...torn and beautiful all at once. I watched as tears filled her eyes when at last she reached the soft piece of pink fabric. By looking at this woman you would not think that she was very "girly" by the way she dressed. Her hair was in a pony tail, she was wearing all black, and it was rainy outside so of course she was dressed as comfortably as possible. As we gently asked why the pink fabric meant so much to her... she confessed these words:

"I have decided that I need more pink in my life." 

This confession was huge for her. Her testimony was incredible in the way that it had unfolded through each fabric... but this one... this one was the most beautiful of all. This fabric represented the discovery of her true identity. She had found that she was a princess, a daughter of the Great King. She admitted that she had a hard time allowing herself to wear pink. Her whole life she wanted to hide who she was... this sweet, precious yet vulnerable little girl. She had put up walls against everyone around her and was afraid of anyone seeing her true heart. She admitted there were days all she wanted to be was a boy.
Then she laughed softly and blushed as she confessed that when she wore pink... she could not hide who she was anymore. All at once it was frightening and yet thrilling. She was finally free.

This is beautiful. This is why I am writing this blog.

It's true, revealing your identity is so scary... but this is what we were born to do. This is why we are here in the first place.

You are not an accident and neither am I.
Be unashamed of your identity in Christ and shout it to the clouds. Together we can move mountains.

Wear pink!

The Non-Existent God Card

You know the excuses.

The phrases that have pointlessly ended so many relationships. 

The "God Card" as some would like to call it. 

"I can't date you because I'm not close to the Lord right now."

"I can't be with you because I don't read my Bible or pray every day." 

"I am making our friendship into an idol that I worship more than God... we have to end this." 

"I would ruin your relationship with God because I'm not as close to Him as you are." 

I have been meaning to have my own little soap box about this subject for a while now... so here it goes. . . 

What in the world made us get to the point where we believe that cutting off close relationships in our lives will make us get closer to God? 

And if that's really not the case.. if you are just using that as an excuse to break up with someone because you're annoyed by them... where did we get the idea that it was okay to use God as an excuse to end a relationship? Wouldn't that be kind of blasphemous? 

I mean... really? Could you do the same thing if you married that person? Did God tell you to make a lifetime commitment to that person and then tell you to cut it off? Is that how it works? 

Of course not. If you were married.. you would at least TRY to work it out with that person and to grow closer to the Lord first before choosing any other option...right? Wouldn't that be the right thing to do? 

Now... I know marriage is a little bit of a different scenario... but this is the truth that I am getting at: It is completely and absolutely possible to grow closer to the Lord and to not make your relationship an idol while still maintaining a healthy relationship with that person. 

If that person is encouraging you to stray away from the Lord deliberately.. then of course that is a different story. But if that person isn't trying to harm your relationship with God in any way..and actually encourages it.. then why are you telling that person you can't be with them? Seriously?

I decided to write a post about this because I have seen so many friends (myself included) get caught in this trap. They have either been deeply hurt by this or have said it to someone themselves. 

And it makes me angry every time. 

This morning, I was reminded of 1 John 4:20-21:

"If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother."

I knew I had to write a blog post about this after reading that scripture. 

Because here is the thing...

The "God Card" is just a pathetic excuse. The "God Card" does not exist. You might disagree, but I don't think anyone who has said "I need to get closer to God..we need to break up" only broke up with that person because they needed to get closer to God. 

I mean... that might be one reason. But it certainly is almost never the ONLY reason. 

The truth is, if they truly loved that person like they said they did...they would have figured it out. God does not ruin love. He restores love. 

In my opinion, by using this excuse you are being lazy in your honesty and just being a jerk. You aren't showing any love at all to the person who was involved. In fact, you are making that person feel like crap because they feel like it's THEIR fault for driving you away from your relationship with God. How dare they care about you and invest in your life? Shame on them. It's not about you taking ownership of your own life... but everyone is out to get you. So of course you would push them away. Yes. That makes so much sense. 

Actually if you have done this to someone.. then yes, you are proving all the more that you aren't in a right relationship with God. Read 1 John 4:20-21 again. Loving God and ditching your friend...parent...girlfriend...husband...etc just doesn't work. That's why the "God Card" doesn't exist. Meanwhile you have successfully proven that you don't care about the other person's feelings by saying you spread your love too thin between them and God. You have proven that you don't love that person OR God.

The "God Card" just isn't a thing, people. 

I am so tired of blaming our own decisions on the idea that we "think God might have told us something because we get a weird feeling about it." So it suddenly isn't our fault anymore and the people involved aren't allowed to have any say in the matter. 

When are we going to take responsibility for our actions? 

When are we going to actually be honest with people that we love instead of blaming it on something God did? 

Why can't we just say, "Look...I genuinely don't have the strength to care for you like I should right now. Can we work through this together?" 

If we actually have to end something, can we still show love to that person by being honest about why we need to end it? 

Or even better... why can't we just stick things out even though they are hard because love is worth it? 

Do me a favor... don't pull the "God Card." Just be real with the people you said you loved. They deserve that much. 

Opening Hands

She gripped tightly to the cold ground. The earth shook beneath her knees. She cried bitterly and could not look to the sky. Everything crumbled around her. A gentle voice from the heavens called her, wooed her, beckoned her to open her hands, “Darling, let go.”

But the earth was all she had ever known. What else was she to do? The earth had been cruel, ugly, dark... but she had nothing else. She gripped even harder.

Again, she heard the words, “Darling, let go.”

Memories of this earth flooded her mind. This place provided her nothing but pain and unfathomable loss. What had she gained from clutching it so tightly? She had given the earth all of her love when in return all she received was grief.

“Darling, let go.”

When she opened her eyes her salty tears fell to the broken ground. Breathing deeply, she slowly opened her hands. The earth crumbled. She knew it would.

But what she didn't know was that she had wings.



"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27

little things

you can't take away pain... but the little things help.

the smell of rain. 

the taste of a roasted s'more. 

a laughter that is born after weeks of tears. 

a warm smile from a friend. 

the strum of a guitar. 

breathing in the chlorophyll of fall. 

quiet starry nights. 

a chumpkin (chai with pumpkin) latte. 

antique shops. 

sunrises. 

hugs. 

a little goes a long way.  

Do Not Guard Your Love

We have all heard that saying, "Guard your heart." It isn't just a saying of course. This verse is from Proverbs 4:23. All my life I have heard this verse used in the context of purity studies, sermons, and many deep conversations with close friends. While I feel that this verse is incredibly important and true, I also think it is tempting to take it out of context.

Oh yes, we need to guard our hearts. There is an enemy out there waiting to take our hearts for his own benefit. We always need to strive for the word of God and pursue a holy life to glorify Him instead of the enemy. We continually need to examine ourselves to be sure we are following after Him with everything we have:
"Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!"
Psalm 139:23-24

When I said that we want to take it out of context, I meant that we tend to associate this verse with loving another person. We want to change the phrase "guard your heart" to "guard your love." We tend to be careful with the people we choose to love. We want to be sure that they will give us back the same love we give them because we believe our hearts deserve that. We know it hurts to have a broken heart so we are choosy with what we give and to whom we give it to.

Can I just say something? I don't think the phrase "guard your heart" refers to how you should love another person. Jesus should be enough of an example for that:

"But he was pierced for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his wounds we are healed."
Isaiah 53:5-6

Does this look like Jesus was guarding his love to you? Of course not. He humbled himself by coming to the earth as a baby, eating with sinners, crying with those who mourned, and experiencing death in the most gruesome way for us.

"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13

He willingly gave his life... his heart... to us.
And every time we reject Him, His forgiveness still abounds when we repent.

This Love is scary. This Love is reckless. This Love is risky. This Love is not about you.

This Love never fails. 

So even though this is an incredibly hard thing to do... choose to love everyone around you even if they never love you back. Choose to forgive even though they have done the unthinkable. Choose to tear down the walls of self righteousness and fear. Choose to love like Jesus did. 

Rest assured that Christ's love is stronger than any rejection or hurt you will face in this world. 

I have learned this first hand. I have found it to be true. 

I will always strive to choose love because He loves me. 

Blank Pages

It's happening again. The blank page. Just unashamedly sitting there. Staring at me.
This is why I stopped writing. The empty page was too much for me to handle.

But no more.

If I have to write nonsense just to get past my own fears, doubts, and insecurities... then I am going to do it because I want to write. I can't let this get in the way anymore.

I think writing for me has become symbolic of the season in my life right now. It's as if my future is a blank page... or my relationships are a blank page. If I am being honest, it's a really scary thought sometimes.

I have a choice with the blank pages in my life... I can either run from them or choose the unthinkable, the vulnerable and the bold decision to write. It's not always easy. Sometimes the battle is only with myself and other times those bruised tomatoes are thrown at me again. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, read my first post).

This time I'm referring to the battle with myself.
The battle in my own mind.
The times when my mind tells me I am ugly, boring, dirty, used, worthless and have nothing left to give.
The times when it feels like the blank page would only be ruined by my words.

Praise God, I see now that those are all lies.
He calls me beautiful, interesting, washed clean, new, worthy, and greatly treasured. Despite what I tell myself... He has already called me His daughter.

My blank pages are already covered with the precious blood of the Lamb.

"Now the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of his Christ have come, for the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God. They have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony..." Revelation 12:10-11



And so are yours.

Self Fulfilling Prophecy

Self fulfilling prophecy. 

Have you ever heard of this? It is a phrase I know well. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this term here is a definition by the American sociologist, Robert Merton: 

"A false definition of the situation evoking a new behavior which makes the originally false conception come true." 

Or in every day words... You freak out about something happening and then you actually believe it's happening (when it probably isn't or wouldn't have if you didn't freak out). 

For example: I cut my finger on a metal trashcan the other day and almost left work because I was afraid of getting tetanus. In spite of my anxiety, I decided to stay at work until my shift ended. For a couple of hours, I battled with my mind as I was paying attention to every...single... feeling in my finger. "Am I starting to stiffen up? Is this what getting tetanus is like?!?!" 

 

You laugh.. but this is really how my mind works sometimes. It's exhausting, I know. 

Then.. my mom looked at the "cut" later (which I believed was pretty deep)... and it turned out to be more of an intense scrape. 

...Okay... maybe intense is still using hyperbole. But come on, give me some slack here I thought I was dying!

So we put some hydrogen peroxide and some triple antibiotic on that baby and voila! My finger is almost back to normal today and I'm not dead. 

But for a couple of hours I entertained all of the worst possible scenarios this could turn into and practically convinced myself I was going to die. 

I made an unlikely situation come true in my head... even though it wasn't true in real life. 

Self fulfilling prophecy, my friends. It's a problem. I also believe it's one of Satan's easiest tactics to get us to stop focusing on Jesus. 

If you think the world is going to end because there was an earthquake in Oklahoma... then yes, the world is ending today according to your definition. If you think you are getting cancer because when you move a certain way it hurts... then yes, today you have cancer. If you think everyone hates you because you think you have a weird laugh... then yes, everyone hates you. 

See the pattern? Whether or not the world is ending, you are getting cancer, or if people hate you because of your weird laugh... you believe it... so it's true to YOU. 

Think of Peter when he looked at the storm around him as he walked on water toward Jesus... he was doing SO GREAT... but then he started wondering, "What would happen if Jesus wasn't enough? What would happen if this storm was bigger than Him?" 

...And that's when he started to sink.

He sunk because he believed he would. He put his expectation and his faith in himself rather than expecting Jesus to be enough. 

Self fulfilling prophecy. It's powerful stuff. 

But what would happen if our self fulfilling prophecies were different? What if they were positive instead of negative? What if we woke up every morning expecting God to do amazing things instead of waiting for the world to fall apart? 

Our world would look completely different. 

Expectant hearts change everything. If you expect the world to change for the worse... then it will because you are not convicted to do anything about it. If you expect the world will change for Christ... then you will be all the more motivated to change it for His glory. 

It is because of expectant hearts that I saw souls saved this week at the revival in my church. 

It's faith in Jesus. 

Faith, hope, and love. 

That being said, if you believe you are a lost cause... if you believe you cannot be forgiven... if you believe you are unworthy, ugly, broken, bruised, beyond saving... 

Then you will be. 

Self fulfilling prophecy. 

Choose faith in Jesus, and you will no longer be bound by yourself! 

"The Lord is merciful and gracious, 

slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

He will not always chide,

nor will he keep his anger forever.

He does not deal with us according to our sins,

nor repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west,

so far does he remove our transgressions from us."

Psalm 103:8-12

The Girl Who Lost Her Voice

There once was a girl who lost her voice. 
She used to sing about light and sound... yet light slowly turned dark and sound was no longer heard. 
She used to sing of her past and her future... yet her past nearly killed her and her future was nowhere in sight. 
She used to sing for those who loved and cared for her... yet their love was conditional and not love at all. 
She used to sing for her passions and dreams... yet they did not satisfy and did not come true. 

Her voice was taken away by everything she sang for in the first place. 

She was crushed.
Broken.
Left with nothing. 

But then she looked to the heavens... 
...and remembered the One who gave her that voice. 

Tears slipped down her cheeks and she fell to the ground. 

Her lips parted... 

and out came the most beautiful sound that caused mountains to crumble. 


At last, she had found her true voice. 

Life is beautiful

You know what? I haven't really believed this in the last few months... but I'm finally going to say it again...

Life is beautiful.

It really is. 

Honestly, a few months ago I really didn't believe that anymore... and up until the last few weeks I still didn't believe it. I know that sometimes my posts have alluded more to the pessimistic side in terms of the world around me. I mean, I'm not blind... and you aren't either. This world can be a very scary place. But as I've said before... it's the dark, ugly, scary, boring, chaotic, difficult things of life that make the beautiful things of life just that much more beautiful. 

Yesterday I walked into a GROCERY STORE of all places to do grown-upy things. (Yes, you read correctly...grown-upy). I was, of course, buying groceries. Super exciting, right? But while I was there people who worked at the grocery store unexpectedly made my day. There was one worker in particular that really impressed me. He was unashamedly welcoming people to the store (like... REALLY welcoming... not just welcoming because he would get fired if he didn't do it). He genuinely cared about the people around him and made sure that everything was done smoothly and correctly. I complimented his natural zeal for life and he looked at me and said “Look, my job gets really stressful and frustrating... but when that happens... all I can do is make the most of it and just focus on caring about everyone around me. I'd rather be happy wherever I am and help others feel the same way than be ungrateful.” 

Wow... how convicting. How inspiring. This man was literally putting boring groceries in a boring grocery plastic bag and putting them in a boring cart... but his honest heart and great attitude made him look like a king in a palace. I LOVE that. I love when God reminds me to be thankful in spite of bleak circumstances. That just makes life sweeter and easier somehow. Maybe that is the “rest”  Jesus was talking about in Matthew 11:28 when he said, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” There is just something freeing about learning to be content in Christ... and even more freeing when you learn to serve others through being content. It is not in our human nature. It isn't easy at first... but once you realize how God's grace works through you... it is beautiful. 
And it makes life beautiful again. 

Yesterday evening I got to work out with Sarah... my awesome roomie/friend that God provided at the perfect time. 
We made some delicious goat cheese pizza. 
I slept in my own cozy bed in my air conditioned apartment. 
I went to Starbucks this morning to see my dear co-workers/friends and to get some yummy coffee (before going to teach at a school that I love). 
While I was in line for that coffee I had a short but inspiring conversation with one of our regulars.
I've had people ask how I really am... and opportunities to ask others how they really are. 

Life is what you make it. 

So why am I so afraid or frustrated by this life? I mean, I know this world is not our home... but we were still put here for a time and reason, right? Why not make the most of it even while doing grown-upy things? ;) 

I know I sound like a broken record with this whole “being content” thing... but it is such an important lesson in my life right now. I am so blessed and so thankful. Really... I'm not just saying that. 

Life is beautiful. 

"Sing, O barren one"

Isaiah 54 is a beautiful passage. It is my testimony. I don't even want to say anything else because I don't need to. The passage speaks for itself.


54 The Eternal Covenant of Peace

“Sing, O barren one, who did not bear;
break forth into singing and cry aloud,
you who have not been in labor!
For the children of the desolate one will be more
than the children of her who is married,” says the Lord.
2 “Enlarge the place of your tent
and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out;
do not hold back; lengthen your cords
and strengthen your stakes.
3 For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left,
and your offspring will possess the nations
and will people the desolate cities.
4 “Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;
be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;
for you will forget the shame of your youth,
and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
5 For your Maker is your husband,
the Lord of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
the God of the whole earth he is called.
6 For the Lord has called you
like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit,
like a wife of youth when she is cast off,
says your God.
7 For a brief moment I deserted you,
but with great compassion I will gather you.
8 In overflowing anger for a moment
I hid my face from you,
but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,”
says the Lord, your Redeemer.
9 “This is like the days of Noah[a] to me:
as I swore that the waters of Noah
should no more go over the earth,
so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you,
and will not rebuke you.
10 For the mountains may depart
and the hills be removed,
but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,
and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,”
says the Lord, who has compassion on you.
11 “O afflicted one, storm-tossed and not comforted,
behold, I will set your stones in antimony,
and lay your foundations with sapphires.
12 I will make your pinnacles of agate,
your gates of carbuncles,
and all your wall of precious stones
13 All your children shall be taught by the Lord,
and great shall be the peace of your children.
14 In righteousness you shall be established;
you shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear;
and from terror, for it shall not come near you.
15 If anyone stirs up strife,
it is not from me;
whoever stirs up strife with you
shall fall because of you.
16 Behold, I have created the smith
who blows the fire of coals
and produces a weapon for its purpose.
I have also created the ravager to destroy;
17 no weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed,
and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord
and their vindication from me, declares the Lord.”




Amen, Amen!!!

Desires

“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

This verse is and has always been one of my favorites. A very sweet friend of mine, Meridith, reminded me of its truth this week. I have discovered a new truth about this verse as well.

This week, I was told that I would be one of the lead roles in A Christmas Carol at the Tulsa Performing Arts Center. Now... for those of you who are not musically or theatrically inclined or don't know me very well, you might be thinking “I'm so glad Breana is doing something fun!” But for a girl who just graduated with a music theatre degree... I'm thinking, “I can't believe I get to put this on my resume!”

You see, performing and teaching isn't just a fun thing on the side for me... it's my absolute passion and vocation. It's the only “job” that has ever made my heart race and my spirit soar. I can't describe it... but when I am on stage or while I am teaching... I just feel the Spirit there. Every time. I have felt it since I was 12 years old and was in a play for the first time. I felt it last week when one of the students at Augustine sang with a good breath after I showed them how. I can't describe it... but I just know that every single role I have played has been a gift from the Lord and every student I get to help today is an incredible blessing in my life.

Music and theatre has just always felt right to me.

Okay, but here's the thing. Sometimes in our lives...even those things that we know are gifts and paths from the Lord are called into question. We doubt ourselves and the journey we have decided to take.

This last year has been that kind of year for me. While I faced graduation and a long list of other changes that were about to take place... I began to question the path I chose. “Why did I choose music and theatre? I'm never going to get a job in what I love.” “Why do I even bother practicing? I'm about to leave school anyway.” “I'm never going to be good enough to even compete with others in this field.” Or my favorite, “God can't possibly use me in this field... I should just stop.”

It was then that I said, “I'm going to take a break and see if I actually miss music and theatre. I don't think I can put up with how hard it is anymore.”

Little did I know that God's way was not my way or anyone else's. 

My life is proof that God does the impossible. I never in a million years would have dreamed that I would have a job right out of college giving me experience in what I love and feel called to do.

…And getting cast as one of the main roles in A Christmas Carol was just a bonus. For me, this was God looking at me and saying, “This is where you are supposed to be right now. This is what you are supposed to do.”

I have always known that music and theatre were the “desires of my heart.” Yet, after graduation I was planning on giving them up because I didn't think I was good enough.

The truth is? I'm not... not me ALONE anyway. The Lord is my strength and has decided to give these gifts to me. He is the one who puts me on that stage every time. He is the one who places people in my life to share His glory through music and theatre. He can give and take that away at any time He chooses... just like always.

If I delight in Him, He will reveal to me the desires that He has placed in my heart... desires that I didn't know were just as important to Him as they are to me.

My life turned upside down this summer... but I probably would not have been able to do what I love had God not turned my life upside down. 

“Let the bones you have broken rejoice.” Psalm 51:8

And I rejoice because He's slowly picking up the pieces.

Life On Your Knees

These days, there are so many times when I look around and think, “Is this really my life right now?”

I was talking about it with my mom earlier this morning.

You see, I am naturally a planner. Not really in the detailed sense of the word, though. Honestly you probably wouldn't think I am a planner by the way my room looks right now. I tend to be one of the most disorganized planners out of them all.

Despite this, I am the type of planner that likes to know what my future holds so that I can get psyched up for it. I like to prepare not just with tasks... but mentally... emotionally... spiritually... any way that I possibly can so my heart is prepared in the best way possible.

This can be exemplified in big things in my life... such as graduation. (I have been emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically been preparing for that for FOUR years). Or it can be in little things... like going to a movie with friends tonight. I just like to look forward to things.

But there are just some things you can't prepare for... whether those situations are good or bad. There are some things in life that no matter how much you plan.. no matter how much you psych yourself up... the future might not be what you think.

“Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring.” Proverbs 27:1

That verse literally makes my stomach ache sometimes. I know it does, because when my professor, Dr. Lilite, became very well acquainted with this verse... he made it a habit to say phrases like, “We will meet again, God willing.” Every time he said something along those lines... it made me feel uncomfortable for him and for myself. Why choose to look at life with uncertainty when we can pretend it will all happen the way we want it to? I couldn't really understand his perspective until I learned it for myself.

Well, I have now learned the truth of this verse. If there is nothing else I have learned these past couple of months, it's that within two seconds... your life can change completely without warning.

You cannot change it.

You have no say.

You have no time to prepare emotionally... mentally... and yes, even spiritually.

You are left speechless.

You are rendered useless other than to live life on your knees.

...And that is beautiful.

I think we can see it in times when my OBU family and I lost Dr. Todd. We see it in times of turmoil in the middle east. We see it when an orphan cries, a widow is alone, a beggar's stomach rumbles, a rebellious son realizes his sin, a lost soul is painfully aware of the emptiness in her heart.

I've discovered that it's a beautiful thing to live life on your knees instead of in a planner. It's in these times that the grace of God shines through the brightest. That is when He redeems. That is when we see Him... feel Him... remember Him and say “Oh yes Jesus... you are all we need.”

So, I praise the God of our tomorrows. I praise His goodness in not giving us any say of what will happen... because if we had our say... there would be no grace, redemption, or glory to His name.

So dear one, live life on your knees, and live it to the fullest. 

Eyes

I think this is the first time I have written a poem in at least a year. We will see how this goes. 

My eyes are open,

Beauty surrounds

the laughing air.

My eyes are closed,

screaming abounds

I, unaware.

My eyes are open,

Grieving astounds...

comfort nowhere.

My eyes are closed,

Hope is yet found

in my despair.

My eyes are open,

My God surrounds

Before one prayer.  

The Secret About Coffee

My life is surrounded by coffee. Literally.

Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 to go make coffee for other people. This morning I woke up at 6:00 to make coffee for myself. Tomorrow I will wake up at 5:30 and make coffee for other people again. It's just this cycle my life has decided to take.

Actually, this is pretty symbolic of my life right now. One day... I walk into work at Starbucks and I am at the lowest possible place in the work force. Granted, I have only been working there for a month (a month ago today)! So of course it makes sense that I would be emptying out trash cans and washing dishes most of the time instead of making venti salted caramel mocha soy lattes four shots no foam extra hot no whip with extra caramel drizzle extra salt sprinkles and only two and a half pumps of mocha with three and a half pumps of white mocha. (The thought of even making that right now makes my head spin with anxiety). I am absolutely at the mercy of whoever has been working there longer than me (which is almost everyone) and I still have so much to learn.

So one day... I make other people coffee.

The next day... I drive to the school I work at (which is also where I used to go to high school). There, I am no longer at the bottom... but I am on staff with the rest of the teachers. I am an example to the students and hold them accountable to do their work. I have been through high school and I have even been through college (I'm still not over how insane that is by the way...). Not only that, but I am interning with the performing arts director. I get to do what I LOVE! I get to teach the kids how to sing, how to act, how to be an excellent performer... all while pointing them back to the Lord and reminding them why they perform in the first place. So... I basically have my dream job for a couple of days out of the week.

And I start it all off by making myself a cup of coffee.

Tomorrow I'll wake up and make other people coffee again.

Do you see the irony in this situation?

“For I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

Philippians 4:11-12

I think this is a very specific and unique season. Those of you who are really close to me know that the last three months have been the hardest months of my life. However, God is slowly bringing me out of that season of mourning and grief into this season of constant change. Of course He would do that... because He knows that I absolutely hate change (whether good or bad). In spite of this, I am daily in this constant state of being “brought low” and “abounding” one day to the next! 

But you know what is crazy? I am finding that it is absolutely possible to be content in the times when we are “brought low.” We may not always be happy there... but following Christ never guarantees happiness. It can, however, bring joy if we allow it. I actually believe that the times we are brought low can be incredibly beautiful because they make the times when we abound so much more sweeter. I don't think I would love teaching kids how to sing as much if I wasn't washing dishes every other day. But then again.. I am choosing to be thankful that I wash dishes every other day.. because that is the job the Lord has provided for me for this specific time in my life. Even that is a HUGE blessing because He has provided so much for me that He never had to provide. While my life has been hard... it really could be so much worse. Yet, even if it was worse, I would still learn to be content because He is my strength.

That's the secret. The Lord is my strength. Not coffee that I make for myself or other people. Not my circumstances. Not my friends or family. He is it!

...But a cup of coffee is still nice to have every once in a while. :)  

Bruised Tomatoes

It's been a really long time since I have done this.
This whole... "writing thing"...

When I was younger, I used to write ALL THE TIME. My mind couldn't stop coming up with things to write about... I had so much I wanted to say... so much I wanted to share. I thought everything I had to say was significant, meaningful, and good.

However, somewhere along the way in my adolescence... I was hurt by a couple of very close friends. This isn't unusual at all.. actually it's quite normal for a young teenager. I am sure anyone can agree to this. Your emotions are high and never the same from one minute to the next... everything hits you hard (whether good or bad)... and your heart is completely vulnerable because you think the world is all sunshine and teddy bears.
Once I realized that the world was in fact NOT sunshine and teddy bears, I decided that my voice was no longer worthy. I mean, I have written a FEW things here and there... but not nearly as much as I did before I was hurt. I never realized how deeply my heart was hurt when all of that stuff went down.

And that's because I didn't deal with it... but I'm dealing with it now.

I miss writing. A lot. And even though it takes an insane amount of vulnerability for me, I am willing to step out and try again. This is a lot like a scene in a play where you have a huge monologue to perform and the only one out there is you. It's really exciting because for a few moments... everyone is focused on YOU. But it's also really really scary because you have to be vulnerable... you have to be exposed... and most of the time the audience is not going to throw grace at you when you forget your lines. They are already gripping their tomatoes just waiting for you to slip up.
But despite the bruised tomatoes...  there is grace. Not grace from the audience of course, but grace from the One who put us on stage in the first place. This is a truth I am learning every day.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
2 Corinthians 12:9

This verse gets me every time. It continually reminds me that it's not about us or what we do or what we wish we could do... it is about God and His incredible grace. When we go through trials that we literally cannot handle on our own strength... that is when we realize that He is strong enough. That's why I am starting this blog. I was not an english major... I haven't been writing for a while so I am a little rusty... and you are going to find several mistakes if you choose to read what I write. These mistakes could be evident in grammar or about what I had for breakfast this morning.

But you know what? I am done taking the hurt from the tomatoes... I am finished allowing my hurt to get in the way of His unending grace because His grace is so much bigger than that. I want to write... I want to sing... I want to create art for His glory. Yeah, it isn't perfect... but His grace is what makes it all beautiful in the first place.

That's my first rant of the day... I didn't expect it to have anything to do with tomatoes... but life surprises you like that sometimes. ;)