Get outta here, 2014!

This song creates the overall feeling of this blog post. I just discovered this band and they make my life so much better.

"Moving Forward" - Colony House

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMioT5A-5xM

I got a few pieces of fabric today to give a little warmth to the dingy white apartment walls. (I would paint them.. but paint is kind of permanent and not allowed..)

My awkward old clothes are being thrown in a pile to send either to a thrift store or the trash. (And the whole time I'm thinking did I seriously wear THAT?!)

Throwing away some pictures and putting up new ones. (Because junior high).

I think I'll buy a planner this year. (And actually USE it).

Welcome, Twenty Fifteen. Man, have I been waiting for you! 

It is time. Time for a new year. Other years I have probably muttered something about life moving too quickly. This one? I could not be more grateful for a new start. 

I cannot remember a time I was more excited about the New Year than Christmas. This is a first. 

This new year holds hope and life. I am more ready for it now than ever. 

2014 marked an end for many things in my life and other's lives. I can't explain it, but I think even a year ago I sensed it would be that type of year for me. I knew graduation would be one part... but I didn't realize the extent of how many things would end this year. 

I've done a lot of grieving. A lot of rethinking.

And God has been doing a lot of redeeming in the midst of it all. As always. 

So here I am one year later and you know what? I am ready. 

Ready to brush away the cobwebs. 

to embrace passion for life.

to write.

to compose.

to sing.

to teach.

to inspire. 

to dance.

to dream again. 

As the song I posted beautifully states: 

"And now bursting forth in splendor are the blossoms of second tries, because dreams that bear the mark of love are dreams that never die." 

I'm alive. If I'm alive... that means God wants me to be alive. His breath is in my lungs. And if I am alive... I am surely meant to dream. Not every dream becomes reality... 

But some dreams DO. 

So I'm moving forward. 

Here's to 2015: a year of hope, second tries, and a revival of our dreams!

Oh and lots of Nutella... because I JUST discovered how amazing it is. (And let's face it.. that should have happened in 1992. I'm a little behind).

Christmas Dreams - Part II

Yesterday and today especially have been emotionally draining days because of my own memories and grief, yet I have to share two more gifts that God has given me this Christmas. 

Gift number one: 

When I wake up on Tuesdays and Thursdays... the first thought that always comes to my sleepy mind is "Yes. It's Augustine day." 

I smile and find the strength to pull away from my bed because of this place. I love working at ACA. It fills my heart with joy. It is a gift God has given to me that continually reminds me of His faithfulness.  As I have faced difficulty the last few months, this school has turned into a safe place for my weary heart. In the midst of my pessimism these students skip along the halls and sing Christmas carols at the top of their lungs. I can't help but smile here.

We have many wonderful decorations that hang on the walls...from creations the students have made to posters of musicals performed in years past (I am still in one of those pictures!). 

One of my favorites, however, is pictured here: 

This lovely little poster hangs on the wall in one of the classrooms I work in. Most would probably say it's cheesy and would hardly acknowledge its existence. But for me? I look at it every Tuesday and Thursday and thank God that He has shown me through working here that my dreams are not pointless. My dreams are not something to be ashamed of... they are real. They are part of who I am; whom He has made me to be. I have the opportunity to teach kids how to sing and perform for His glory which is something I have always longed to do. While my dreams may not always come true the way I think they will, there is nothing wrong with them. They are, in fact, beautiful. 

Gift number two: 

This the view I have of the stage every night just before I first walk out in "A Christmas Carol": 

Warm and inviting. It waits for me and the rest of the cast to sing about the beauty of Christmas. As I look out at the sea of people every night, words cannot express my gratitude. What a healing and incredible experience. Even as my heart has been aching of memories that occurred a year ago today... I also find joy in the here and now. Any time I have had an opportunity to perform, a small part of my dreams always comes true. I have made friends, I am singing more than I ever thought I would now...

 I am free. 

The words of the Cratchit family ring true: 

"It's the plain, simple things in life on which we thrive, but most of all we're thankful we're alive."

This Christmas, what a gift it is to have beautiful dreams and to be alive!  

Christmas Dreams

As I look outside amidst the cloudy skies and feel the crisp foreboding bite of winter, I realize that this is such a bittersweet season.
For the first time in my life, I don't look at Christmas the way that I used to every year. The Christmas lights don't twinkle the same, the music doesn't immediately make me want to belt out familiar lyrics and I am in no mood to decorate anything.
Do I look at myself in sudden horror and wonder if I am in fact turning into a boring grinch-y adult? Absolutely not. I still believe Christmas is magical and beautiful just as much as I did before.
It's just that I never realized how much grief really does affect Christmas.
I used to wonder why some people became so sad around the holidays. I mean, I always understood it was because of a lost family member or a rough relationship... but I never got it. This year, the Lord has opened my eyes and made me sympathetic with those who grieve on Christmas. This is because I have a very real loss of my own.

This may sound kind of strange, but I am actually thankful for this realization.

For the sake of being completely transparent and honest, a year ago my view of this Christmas in particular was completely different. A week and half from now will be the day that I once became engaged. Here I am almost a full year later and the diamond is no longer on my finger. A year ago, I dreamed of this Christmas being the first one as a married woman... and yet that particular dream never came true.
Now let's be clear, I am not being transparent to ask for your pity. The last thing I want to hear from anyone who reads this full post is "poor Breana." That's not the point.

The point is that Christmas has a habit of bringing the truth to light. This is why it can be either beautiful or hurtful. I think it's both. Dreams either come true or they don't.

Last year, a dream came true for me. This year, that dream now remains a dream.

Now, let's not forget that I admitted I was thankful for this realization. While there are some days I cannot breathe and ask the Lord, "Why me?" Still, there are other days when I ask the Lord, "Why me?" in a humbled and thankful state. I believe this is how Mary felt when God chose her to bear Christ as a son. While we praise and honor Mary for her purity and servant heart to the Lord... there had to be times that she also suffered. She was ridiculed by others who believed she had been with a man before marriage, her betrothed almost left her, she traveled days and nights without a home in search of a lowly town...
Carrying the Son of Man was a burden indeed.

At times I feel the same way. Carrying Christ in my heart can absolutely be a burden. Resolving to forgive Him for MY dream not coming true every day is hard. Living with this new life I did not foresee is hard. Being content in the midst of emptiness and an unknown future is hard.

Yet, just as Mary found she was closer to God than she ever dreamed she would be... so have I. Although Mary endured many hardships and probably asked the Lord, "Why me?" so many times... as soon as she found God in the flesh wrapped in her arms it was all worth giving up the life she had known before.
"Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart." Luke 2:19

And although the dreams I had a year ago are now faded and lost... Christ is nearer to me than I can even begin to express. I would not trade that for a million weddings.

I am always and forever will be His bride.

And that is the most beautiful dream that could ever come true for me this Christmas.