Becoming A McIntosh: How Our Story Began

       This is a story of loss, hope, and redemption. I confess, this took me a very long time to write. I left so many details out (even though it’s still decently long). Hopefully this will at least explain all of the big parts of our relationship and you can grasp how God has worked in our lives. If you find that you want to know more, please feel free to ask Jacob and me out for coffee or lunch anytime. We’d love to tell you even more of our story. First of all, I’ll start with a short synopsis of my life *before* Jacob and I met, as I feel that this will provide a deeper understanding of how wonderful everything is now in my perspective as compared to then. 

So, a lot of people know this - but back in Summer 2014 I experienced an extremely painful broken engagement. This was devastating. I didn’t feel as though I had any kind of life ahead. My fiance had ended our engagement only a month before our wedding without much warning or reason. This felt very much like a death to me that I had to mourn. However, God had other incredible plans in mind that I could not fathom myself - as He often does. 

Because of my broken engagement, I was brought to the realization that I had to find a job as I no longer had someone to support me. This was another awful realization since I had never worked full time before. I had just graduated from OBU and moved back home. This seemed daunting and impossible in my current state of depression. Thankfully, God brought Augustine Christian Academy into my life. I had gone to high school there and I contacted the director on a whim to see if there was even a chance for an internship. I honestly had no idea if anyone there would remember me as I went to ACA for only a year and a half and it had been 4 years since I was there. Gale Post & Dawn Redden immediately welcomed me into being a vocal coach for the theatre program. This later would result in my becoming a teacher at the same school which I once finished my high school career. This was the only glimpse of light in my dark world at the time. 

I would later become a full time teacher at this school - but this was still a couple years away. I needed another part time job to supplement my income, so God brought a job at Starbucks into my life. I worked there for a year and - I won’t lie - this was one of the hardest years of my life. I wrote about this year earlier on this blog. If you peruse my old entries... you can see glimpses of pain in my journey there but also glimpses of hope that one day my life would be different. I guess you could say in the most dramatic and hyperbolic way, I felt like Cinderella before she went to the ball. It was a year of waking up at 4am and making lattes and scrubbing floors - but it was also a year where twice a week I would go to ACA to learn how to teach music and theatre (which felt like a dream). It took a while, but my heart slowly began to come back to life again. 

Some of my students from when we put on the musical "The Sound of Music"

        During my first year at ACA, I would sit in the science room because I would oversee a study hall right before lunch. When that study hall would finish, I would resist going downstairs to eat with other teachers. I just wanted to be alone and prepare for my other classes. Pretty soon after class was over, a man with long blonde curly hair and a moveable wooden desk would roll into the science room and begin setting up for his next class. The first few times he did this, I would attempt to pack up my things and leave. However, every time I tried to leave he would look at me and say “You don’t have to get up, please feel free to stay.” After a few times of saying this, it became a regular habit on Tuesday/Thursdays for me to stay in the science room and for him to roll in his wooden desk. We barely ever talked. We just worked in silence. Somehow this was strangely comforting... we were avoiding people together. 

Throughout that same year I would receive school emails about another teacher named Jacob McIntosh who’s wife, Amy, was battling cancer. Because I was part time and completely oblivious to the majority of the teachers there... I had NO idea that the long haired man sitting in the science room at lunchtime was the same person as the one in my emails. I continually prayed for this unknown Amy and Jacob... but I had no idea who they were. 

       It was not until the week before Amy passed away that I realized - to my shock - who the man in the science room was. He had not been around school much lately and I had wondered where he was but never put the two together. I honestly felt horrible. I never told him that I was praying for him and his wife. I just sat there in silence the whole year grieving my own loss and I had no idea he was experiencing so much pain. I barely saw him after Amy passed away but I continued pray for him and his boys for the whole summer until I would see him again the fall after. 

Fast forwarding to fall, every beginning of the school year the students all go to New Life Ranch on a two day retreat. I decided to go that year - and Jacob was there, too. I still had not talked to him since school began and I felt very convicted by that. There are times in my life where I know the difference between my own convictions and convictions of the Holy Spirit... believe me I am not very charismatic AT ALL but I know without a doubt God was prompting me to talk to Jacob. I know this because I didn’t want to. I was embarrassed. 

That weekend, I asked God to make an opportunity to talk to Jacob that would not be completely awkward. I prayed it would be undeniable that I was meant to talk to him. At one point, Jacob was standing on his own while watching a game the students were playing. I decided this would be the right time. I walked over to him and said, “I want you to know that I have been praying continually for you and your boys this year. I can’t imagine what you have gone through, but I do understand grief. I experienced a broken engagement this year and that truly felt like a death to me. I just want you to know that you aren’t alone.” 

I was sure I sounded stupid for just waltzing up to him and blurting this out. What was I thinking... my experience was so much less painful than his. Jacob looked at me for a second and just said, “Thank you.” That’s all he said...but it was a meaningful thank you... one of relief. I felt like he really heard me, and I knew in that moment I was supposed to talk to him. Then, everyone in the room circled up to pray. Jacob and I were still standing next to each other and we held hands. I can’t describe the feelings that rose within me when this happened. There wasn’t romance in it or anything... it was just... an overwhelming feeling. Much later on when we began dating, Jacob told me he had the same reaction. I can only describe it as God was preparing our hearts for something greater, although it would be a long time still before we knew what that was. We spent the rest of the weekend talking, but while I was on the bus to go back home I was preparing to go on a first date with someone else. I told myself I shouldn’t talk to Jacob this much at school... just in case this new guy would be jealous. So our talks would stop for a while. 

Dating again was a big deal for me after all I had gone through. I had truly worked through a lot of grief. However, this would once again be another unsuccessful relationship. I was honestly really discouraged by the end of it - so discouraged that I felt I was returning to the deep depression I was in after my broken engagement. 
But God, in his incredible love and mercy, cared for me greatly during this time in so many small ways. I made a new group of friends and filled my life with community as much as possible - this was very different from my time before of broken engagement. I avoided people then, but I found my heart was still open. 

Months later in the spring of 2016, God opened a new chapter in my life. It all started with walking by Jacob and his moveable wooden desk. He had now rolled it into one of the hallways outside of a classroom I taught in. Every morning I had to walk past his desk in order to get out the door. Typically as I walked out I would look at my phone. Jacob decided to point this out to me each day as I walked by. Every time it was something like, “Ms. White, you’d better watch where you’re going” or “you’re going to fall down the stairs.” I rolled my eyes and honestly got REALLY annoyed at him for that. I mean it was so bad there were times I actually went down a different hallway just to avoid him teasing me. 

One day we were both sitting and eating lunch with other teachers (actually socializing - haha). We were talking about various events coming up at school and Jacob said “I can get a babysitter either for Little Theatre or the fundraiser night, but I can’t do it for both...so I have to choose.” So I interjected and said, “Well obviously you should come to Little Theatre night because my students are performing.” Honestly, I just said that phrase in passing... not actually hoping for anything. I was mostly using it for selfish reasons to brag on my students. To my surprise, he showed up at Little Theatre. I was pretty thrown off by this. On top of that, he came up to me afterwards and we talked for a solid ten minutes about the students and how proud we were of them. This was the first moment that I realized “Okay... this guy is pretty awesome.” I still did not have any romantic feelings toward him, but I decided I didn’t have to ignore him in the hallway. 

This led to many many talks after teaching my New Testament class. I taught part time at school so normally I would head out immediately after class was done. However, I found myself staying longer and longer to talk to Jacob. It began as talking casually about music and physics... but then later turned to more serious topics such as Amy and her life/death and my broken engagement. Our talks in person would then turn into long messages on facebook. There just was not enough time in the day at school to talk. Our messages started with a couple a day and then became more and more frequent. 

We just could not - stop - talking. 
...And we never stopped.  

 Our talks were incredibly healing during that season. I had never had such rich conversations with anyone else in my life. There were things we just “got” about each other that no one else seemed to understand. 

Jacob told me about various things he wrestled with about his wife passing away. The cancer in her body had spread so quickly and suddenly. He would tell me about what an incredible dancer she was and he would share pictures and videos with me. We laughed and cried about her life together. He told me she died on Good Friday, which was so incredibly timely in her passing. That was what she wanted. I watched her memorial service and I was in awe. There was so much pain in the midst of her death...but God has done amazing things in spite of all this pain. She left an AMAZING legacy which will be remembered forever. 

One of my favorite pictures of Amy

      Jacob would tell me about his sweet boys, Morgan & Justice. I would ask him questions about what they were like... what it was like to be a single dad. He would tell me how they were grieving over Momma... but also how they continued to live. 
I saw Morgan and Justice every day at school and at the time, although they had no idea who I was, I would continually pray for them and watch them live their days at school. 

Morgan

Justice

(These are pictures of the boys around the time when Jacob and I started dating)

         One day, I ran into Jacob and Justice on my way out to the parking lot. It was raining, so Jacob asked Justice to hold an umbrella for me out to the car. Justice held the umbrella with his sweet small hands and walked me over. When we made it there, he looked up at me with his big 5-year-old deep hazel eyes and my heart melted. I will never forget that day. That was the day that I began to question my feelings and to be honest with myself. 

What was I doing? I could not fall in love with a man with two sons. This was not the plan... but it was happening. It became REALLY obvious that I was falling for him when I saw him walk in the room in a suit at an awards event at school. He had to go to a wedding beforehand but then showed up late just to spend time with me. I saw him standing in the doorway and all the air left my lungs. That was also the night he said I looked beautiful for the first time...and as Eliza would say in Hamilton I was “helpless”. :)  

     Jacob is everything I have ever wanted in a man and so much more. He loves God fiercely, he is hilarious, he is incredibly supportive of my dreams, he is faithful and strong in the midst of hard times, he protects my heart, he is passionate about life, he is full of love for others, I have had the opportunity to see him as a father (which is not as common if you're dating someone) and he is an amazing father... all of this came across to me through all of our conversations. How could I not fall for him? 

He's doing most of the lifting here... let's be real ;)

     As our talks grew more and more frequent we found excuses to talk in person. We took a long walk that night after the event and I honestly just didn’t know what to do with myself. I had to tell him how I felt at some point.

Thankfully I did not have to be the first one to initiate how I felt. A few weeks later, Jacob looked at me and said, “Something is happening with us. I don’t really know what that is, and I don’t know how long it will last or why... but I just feel that God is doing something. I want to join him in that with you.” And I just remember nodding my head in disbelief. He actually felt the same way about me that I felt about him. I cannot describe the relief and excitement I felt in that moment. I told myself I was crazy for thinking I had found my future husband... but something about all of this just felt *right*. We kept saying “This is crazy, but this is good.” 

Our first picture as a couple

We took things very very slow that summer. When Jacob told the boys we were dating, they were cautious (understandably so) but also very excited. My relationship to both of the boys was very intentional and slow and I constantly told Jacob, “If they aren’t okay with me then this isn’t going to happen.” But God truly worked in their hearts to trust me (when they definitely didn’t have to), and God worked in my heart to fall in love with them as well. 

Justice would not hug ANYONE during that time of his life except Jacob, but one night when I was saying goodbye to all of them in their driveway Justice all of the sudden wrapped his arms around me and held me as tight as possible. Jacob and Morgan watched him in surprise and I held tightly to Justice and to that moment. I knew it was significant for all of us. While he was pretty reserved and shy at the time, he filled my life with laughter and joy. He is very protective and absolutely lives up to his name - everything must be fair and right. I remember this was the night I fell for the boy with big hazel eyes. 

My first selfie with Justy

It took extra time for 10 year old Morgan to grow close to me, and I honestly cannot tell you how exactly we became close or when... but I just remember he stopped liking that I would say goodbye and would repeatedly ask Jacob when I was coming over next. Morgan is by far one of the most thoughtful, mature, and sweetest boys I know. Losing his mom was definitely the hardest thing he has ever had to face... and to come out of such a horrible experience and to still be so sweet and strong, he’s amazing. He always knows when I’ve had a bad day and he has such a big heart to love me and welcome me into his life. It continues to amaze me that BOTH boys want me in their lives. 

First picture with Morgan

Our first Christmas

          I won’t fool anyone into thinking that my relationship with Jacob and the boys has been easy. Honestly, we have had to overcome a LOT of mountains over the course of our 2 years together... but Jacob was faithful to pray with me every night through it all and things just - happened. There were things that should have been hard but they just worked. There were other things that were difficult but with lots of time and prayer and communication, we made it through. Jacob and I also love talking - like - it’s one of my favorite things that we do. I always feel that we can overcome anything after every conversation. This has been a very vital part of our lives working together. 

Jacob has been ready to marry me since day one, I think. It took me a long time to warm up to the idea. I didn’t say “I love you” for another 6 months after he said he loved me. He has been patient with me as I have wrestled with the idea of being a mom and walking into such a different life. Finally, after a year and a half of dating, Jacob decided to take a risk to ask me to marry him. I truthfully had NO idea it was coming. Two days before he proposed we had another long talk about what it would be like to be married and I asked him some really hard questions. This understandably made him nervous, (haha), but this was honestly perfect timing. I had some big questions answered which allowed me to say “yes” all the more. 

Jacob loves to make things out of wood. It has always been a part of our relationship. When I told him that my last engagement ring had Celtic symbols in it that I felt were ruined, he made a wooden bracelet out of those symbols for me so that they could be redeemed in some way. He made other things for me too such as rings, earrings, a jewelry holder. Later on when I directed a couple shows, he built sets for those as well. Something about wood has always connected us in our relationship. When he asked me what I would like for a new engagement ring, I didn’t give many specifics... other than that I wanted rose gold and a round cut diamond. This was mostly because I wanted the ring to be *both* of us, not just about me. So, he chose a set of 3 diamonds (perfect, as it represents Jacob and the boys) and then found a jeweler who would put a piece of wood in the middle of the rose gold. He had talked to a jeweler for months about how they would make the ring and I had no idea the entire time. 

       Jacob decided to propose at Winter Court, which is a big annual school event. Most of the students that are 7th-12th grade attend. This was perfect for the proposal to take place there, as the students have watched our relationship begin and grow. They have been very much apart of our lives together, so this was an exciting and significant moment for them as well. Just before it happened, I saw my parents and Morgan and Justice walk in the room. I asked Jacob what they were doing there... and he just looked at me, smiled and said, “I don’t know, why would they be here?” Just after this, Mr. Post (the headmaster of the school) said that they had an announcement to make. Jacob then stood up, took my hand, and led me over to the middle of the room. Before we even got there, the students began screaming (LITERALLY haha). They already knew what was happening. 

You can watch the proposal here... :)

I have this vivid image in my mind of looking into Jacob’s blue eyes. I remember it very well. It felt as if time stopped. Even though everyone was screaming around us, I felt as if we were the only two in the room. I have tears in my eyes thinking about it even now. God was there... he was in the room with us... and my heart felt as if it could burst with love and joy. All of the doubts and fears washed away. I knew I was meant for Jacob, and he was meant for me. The walls were torn down... the scars from the past healed... and I knew this was for real. I knew Jacob was not going to leave. He would now be the love of my life. 

Jacob mouthed the words “I can’t talk.” (Again, because of the screaming) I laughed. He mouthed again, “Breana, I love you. Will you marry me?” I nodded my head. He placed the beautiful, perfect rose gold/wood diamond ring on my finger, and then he took me into his arms. 

        We had worked incredibly hard for this moment. We prayed for it... dreamed of it... even at times cried for it, and here it was. Our great dream coming true. 

Honestly, there are so many more details and blessings to this story, more than I can count. God has worked in amazing ways in our hearts. I didn’t know I needed two sweet boys in my life along with a husband - but I know now. They didn’t dream of finding me... but now they want me in their lives forever. This was nothing any of us could plan or make happen. God clearly placed us together, and our story has only begun. 

In Romans 7:1-6, Paul compares a widow remarrying to us dying in our own sin and joining with Christ in a new life. I have found that in our brokenness and pain, God shows us that death is only followed by life. This is all throughout scripture. Jacob, the boys, and I have all experienced our own pain and loss in our own ways. Yet God in His grace and sovereignty gave us each other... we have found life again. My prayer is that others will see our story of redemption and that they will draw closer to God. Our family is not perfect, but Christ has shown his perfection in us. 

A New Dream

There is something to be said about a lost dream.

That dream which was once alive and kicking. A dream that breathed life into your weary soul. One which gave you passion and zeal for taking in every single breath and every single foot step.

A dream which offered hope.

Perhaps it was not even the dream in and of itself which gave you all of these things.
It was the hope from that dream.

That’s when that fateful day came - you know the day I am talking about - the day that your dreams crashed to the floor in a billion pieces. A day of calamity. A day of complete darkness. A day of absolute, heart wrenching, raw, freshly wounded complete despair.

Maybe you saw it coming... maybe you didn’t. Either way it doesn’t matter. It happened, and the dream that was once very much alive is now dead. There’s nothing you can do to change that.

So now you might be living your life aimlessly. Wandering around... wondering what is the point of it all. I have lived my life that way before. If I am being transparent, I still do live that way sometimes.

It is by the grace of a merciful and incredible loving God that I am only just now discovering that I can dream again.

That old dream will never revive... but a new dream can be born.
A new purpose. A new life.
A new hope.

There’s a reason why Christ calls us to have childlike faith:
“Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”
Matthew 18:3

I don’t think Christ is only speaking in terms of salvation here. For me, I think maybe he also means that we need to have childlike faith to truly experience the kingdom of heaven HERE too.

What do children do? They wonder... they play... they imagine... they ask lots of questions to discover the truth... they love without abandon...

They dream.

You don’t have to have to dream today or even tomorrow if you don’t have the strength. Just know that you can. You can dream again. You were created to dream again.

Childlike faith is so simple and yet it’s the hardest thing in the world.
...Yet I want to experience the kingdom of heaven - not just after I die - but while I am still living here.

I will dream a new dream. I was born to dream again.

To Those Who Are Lonely

To those who are lonely: 

You are not crazy. 

You are not desperate. 

You are not shameful. 

You are not weak. 

You are not worthless. 

You are not weird. 

You are not emotional. 

You are not alone in feeling alone. 

“Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone...” 

Genesis 2:18 

When God created His great beginning, he made a perfect world in which we could live. He then created the very first human being ever to walk His beautiful creation. Adam already walked with God, was close with God, had a perfect relationship with Him... 

...and still God said it was not good. Man was still alone, even with God. 

Coming from a place where I have experienced loss (and talking with others who have grieved a loss, too), it is exhausting for me to hear others try to “fix” a problem by saying “God is enough.” 

Well, yes. He is enough. Of course He’s enough. That was never a question. That isn’t the problem here. 

The reality is that humans crave and value community, whether they realize it or not. 

Humans were made for community.

Sometimes that means you need people in your life just to sit with you and say “I don’t understand what you’re going through, but that really must suck. Here’s some ice cream and a shoulder to cry on.” 

And this might surprise you. For that moment, that IS enough. 

We get so caught up in trying to solve each others’ problems. We try to simplify things and say “well, all things work together for His good.”

When honestly...sometimes this answer just doesn’t help anything. Sometimes we just need to say, “This world hurts and thankfully it is not our home, but until then we are together.” 

So to those who feel alone, this is not coming from a place of insecurity. This is normal. This is coming from a very valuable place in your heart that God has created. 

And if you need a shoulder to cry on, let’s get coffee sometime. 

Believe me... I get it!

"You Don't Have to Work for Love"

But if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works; otherwise grace would no longer be grace.
Romans 11:6

“Slow down child, you don’t have to work for love anymore.” 

I have a real problem with doing this whole life thing sometimes. Maybe you can relate. I’m just going to be completely transparent here: I am often a complete control freak about my life. The second that I realize, “Oh! Duh! Silly me, God. I have finally realized that didn’t work and I will live my life better.”, this lasts for about 5 seconds and then it’s back to me trying to do everything on my own again. 

This can turn into a really prideful thing. “I have finally realized” or “I will live my life better.” The thing I have discovered about myself is that even in my “revelations” I tend to still focus on ME. 

You know what’s even worse? When I begin to see that my own plans fall apart (again), I start having thoughts that look like this: 

I already asked for forgiveness and now I have to do it AGAIN?

I don’t have a problem, I already surrendered my idols. (Although I am fully aware of their undeniable presence) 

This makes me look pathetic... maybe I am? 

Somehow in my life, I developed this opinion that I should have one “big moment” of surrender and forgiveness and that’s all I need. In my pride, I want it to be a big deal and then I NEVER have problems again. I am redeemed once and that is my glorious moment and God and I will live happily ever after in this life. 

The unfortunate truth is that’s just not going to happen. Not until this life is over, anyway. I’m still human. I’m still going to drift away or even run away. The important thing is that He never will. 

The thing about surrender and forgiveness is that it’s a repetitive, daily experience. 

It’s not a one time thing. Thankfully, Jesus understands that much better than I do. 

This glorious relationship has nothing to do with me or how good I am at praying, following His will, resisting temptation, reading scripture, singing worship perfectly... the list goes on. This relationship has everything to do with God’s grace and glory radiant in my heart and life.

The incredible truth is this: I don’t have to work so hard. He’s already given what I can’t afford. 

My inspiration for this blog post today comes from a song I found on my “Discover Weekly” Spotify playlist. 

I don’t think you’ll fully understand my heart on this subject until you listen to this song, so if you made it this far in reading my post please listen and read the lyrics. 

I literally relate to every single part of this song. Maybe you will, too. 

“Effort” by James Spaite

I made an agreement with a demon that I couldn't write 

And for the past six years I've cursed my life 

He said I couldn't sing and I told him he was right 

I gave him ears and listened to his lies 

There's time things can be restored 

This is wisdom: you will serve what you adore 

I'm freely given what I can't afford 

"Slow down child, you don't have to work for love 

Anymore" 

Blood as sweet as honey in exchange for bitter wine 

From three nails it flows and gives me life 

A little bag of money and I couldn't decline 

I traded in love for a worthless lie 

There's time things can be restored 

This is wisdom: you will serve what you adore 

I'm freely given what I can't afford 

"Slow down child, you don't have to work for love 

Anymore"

The Winning Light

The grief journey is a daily thing.
A one day at a time basis.

You begin in complete darkness, feeling lost and out of place.

As you walk one day at a time you experience the painful anniversaries. You will walk along the road of life feeling proud of yourself, then suddenly you remember the significance of a certain day. The memory happened a year ago and all of the emotions flood into your wounded heart. The scar becomes a fresh cut and once again you struggle to breathe and to stop the bleeding. This has happened to me a lot this year as I have remembered each anniversary.

The darkness comes back every time.

I am now at last to the point where I have walked through almost every single memory up until things fell apart last summer.
I had often wondered what I would feel this June. Would I still feel sad? Angry? Would I even care?
Now that it's finally here... I can safely say I am thankful. If I am being completely honest, I am relieved the anniversaries have passed but I also praise God for them. I praise Him for His incredible ways of comfort and provision in spite of my grief.

In spite of the darkness.

I have learned so much this year, yet, I still find that in His ever loving provision I am still so much like the Israelites. I still fear the unknown. I still question if He will save the day even though He has always proven to do so. I still fully realize that I am human and I WILL mess up.

I still fear the darkness.

Yet... I have walked through the burning heat of last summer, the welcome relief of fall, the comforting winter nights, and the redemption of a pouring spring.

One day at a time. In and out of darkness.

Now... I finally see the sun.

I can look straight at its burning glory and let its warmth envelop me. I have found I can laugh at the days to come because I have learned to take one day at a time. I can't do this whole life thing on my own. I won't do it perfectly and I will get hurt.
Yet I know I have learned one thing for sure... the dark won't last forever. The grace of God will always win.

The light will win over the darkness.

I remember listening to this song a good friend showed me months ago when I was in my rough season:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-6IqP7UQQU

I could barely listen to this song because I wondered if it would ever come true. I actually wanted to stay in the dark. I never wanted to see the sun again because I was so badly wounded by losing my happiness and joy. Now, I have found that with each day that passes my heart has been put back together slowly in such a beautiful way.

I have realized that before I could see the sun again, I had to walk through the darkness and the rain. This is just like the crazy rain we had the last couple of weeks (not the light, misty kind...the intense flooding kind). The rain came and washed away all of the yuck, all of the grossness inside, and now there is only light. There is only forgiveness.

Now that my heart has been cleansed, the sun doesn't seem so scary anymore.

When I think of what happened a year ago... I don't struggle to breathe. In fact, I can smile. I am new... I am forgiven... and now I can finally forgive in return. I refuse to just survive. I will now live.

A year ago, the sun was blinding. Now? I can't get enough of it. I am changed for His glory forever.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. 

The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."

2 Corinthians 5:17

The Day That God Was Dead

Big moments stick out to us, don't they?

"So and so got married." 

"Her dad passed away."

"This person had a baby."

"He's in the hospital."

"They adopted a son."

"She got laid off." 

"I've always loved you, I'm just now saying it out loud." 

We live for the big moments... even crave them. Big moments are valuable, unforgettable. Whether good or bad, they keep us going. They determine the direction of our lives. They keep us from falling asleep in the movies or putting down a book or from simply getting bored of life. 

Easter represents two REALLY big moments in the scheme of eternity; Jesus' death and resurrection. They cause us to cry bitterly and then to raise our voices in joy. These moments give us emotion and meaning. We repent when we remember what Jesus suffered on the cross. We praise when we remember His infinite power in rising again. 

So what happens when we think of the awkward "in between?" 

There are so many hymns and worship songs that speak of Christ's blood and of His resurrected life. 

...Somehow, I don't remember singing much about His grave.

Throughout my life I have realized that I try to skip over this day in the Easter celebration. I ignored its existence. This is because the grave isn't a "big moment." Nothing monumental happens. Jesus is dead and everyone is left to go back to their old, normal lives. I had NO idea what to do with this day. How am I supposed to picture my God dead? 

You see, we have the advantage. We know the end of the story. The disciples didn't. 

Can you imagine that day for the disciples? For Mary? For everyone who watched Jesus perform miracles and believed? For those who begged Jesus to do something ...anything... to prove Himself as God by calling down His angels. Instead, He gasped for air and died? 

Literally. God was dead.

Picture this for a second: 

For a day, the Enemy won. Pilate washed his hands. The Roman soldiers proved their harsh authority and prevailed. The Sadducees and Pharisees smirked in satisfaction. 

Everything the disciples lived for now meant nothing. 

There was no reason for hope. They were now the laughing stock. The fools. 

That must have felt like the longest day in history. 

We don't like this day. This day is awkward for us. We always look forward to the next morning when we will put on our Sunday Easter best, drink our coffee and sing songs that feel good to forget about what happened today. 

Again, we know how the story ends. 2,000 years ago they had no idea. 

Still, this "small moment" is so necessary. 

In a strange way, I find this day comforting. 

Like me, there are those of you who have experienced real grief, real pain. You are walking around on this earth, looking up at the sky and asking, "God, where are you?" 

The suffering in your life has happened. You have walked through the storm but there are still clouds and it's still cold and dark. You haven't seen the "light at the end of the tunnel." The storm was at least exciting. At least something was happening to you. It was a big moment, but now, nothing exists. There seems to be no good reason left to open your eyes in the morning. Your hope is gone. 

Your resurrection hasn't happened yet. 

We sing "My God's not dead, He's surely alive!", but I think sometimes we forget that He was actually dead for a day. I think sometimes we forget that other people still feel like God is dead even after seeing the movie... even after growing up in the church... even after knowing all the scriptures and all the right answers. 

Those who believe He is dead can be devout atheists, and they can also be devoted Christians. 

It might even be you and you don't even realize it. 

Have you tried to ignore this day because you're afraid He might still not be alive in your life? Are you in between big moments? 

Dear friend, you are not alone. 

But you know what? This day is actually beautiful. You are allowed to grieve. You are allowed to scream His name and ask Him "Where are you?" You are allowed to break down in front of His grave tonight. 

Unlike the disciples, tonight you have reason to hope. Tonight, you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that joy comes in the morning. Your resurrection will happen. Your big moment is coming. 

Because of this eternal hope, I'll no longer ignore the day that God was dead. 

Twenty Two Things

 - Twenty two things I have learned about being twenty two - 

My last selfie as a 22 year old! (And it's in the snow... so even better)

One

Expect much of others and you'll be disappointed. Expect much of God and you will be satisfied.


Two 

Comparing yourself will not make you better... or make you feel better.


Three 

Graduation day tears are normal and in fact, necessary.


Four

Waking up to a hail storm on a tin roof at 7 a.m. can be one of the most hilarious experiences with the right friends.


Five

When tragedy happens, don't try to be strong. Nothing will fully prepare you for that. Fall to your knees, let the tears come, take a deep breath and cry out to Jesus.


Six

Even if someone else forgets, never question how valuable you are in the eyes of Christ.


Seven 

Headbands are life savers on bad hair days. Especially if you wear them like a hippie during hot summer days.


Eight

Don't regret the risks that left you with nothing. Learn from the risk. Stand up, dust yourself off and try again.


Nine

Grief is not a curse. Grief is medicine. You will never heal if you don't grieve.


Ten

Green iced tea with no classic, chumpkin lattes, matcha, and iced coffee have gotten me through some of the most exhausting days.


Eleven

I love teaching voice, directing theatre, conducting, acting, singing etc. I don't think this will ever change. Ever.


Twelve

Pop music is actually pretty good. So is Taylor Swift... (now). But I still will NEVER say that about country music.


Thirteen

Kristen Stauffer Todd was an incredibly beautiful, hilarious, intelligent, and strong woman/wife/mother/professor. I will love her forever. Her legacy will NEVER be forgotten. She was indeed, the "sexiest."


Fourteen 

My show choir girls reminded me of the great love of God... and because of this strong unfailing love, "how can I keep from singing?"


Fifteen 

Graduating doesn't mean I won't ever perform again. The Tulsa PAC made that clear enough.


Sixteen 

Laugh with those who rejoice and mourn with those who grieve. Relationships are give and take.


Seventeen

Scarves are still the best accessories ever.


Eighteen

Writing again was an incredibly hard decision. It was also one of my best decisions.


Nineteen 

You will know who your true friends are after you lose something/someone. You will also make new friends that seem to come out of nowhere.


Twenty

Getting in my car and going somewhere I have never been before is way more therapeutic than binge watching Netflix. (But I still do that too... all the time. No shame.)


Twenty One

Follow your dreams. They might not come true and your dreams will change... and that's okay. Follow those new ones, too.


Twenty Two

Because of Jesus I am forgiven, so I forgive. I am loved, so I will love again.





A love lost, embers flicker
what once burned was a great fire, now dust. 
Footsteps away, my heart in pieces. 
I tragically fall. 

Along the way, I hear whispers
of First Love and melodies so real, I trust. 
Not far away, my heart releases. 
I give Him my all. 




Wow. What a year.