Life is beautiful

You know what? I haven't really believed this in the last few months... but I'm finally going to say it again...

Life is beautiful.

It really is. 

Honestly, a few months ago I really didn't believe that anymore... and up until the last few weeks I still didn't believe it. I know that sometimes my posts have alluded more to the pessimistic side in terms of the world around me. I mean, I'm not blind... and you aren't either. This world can be a very scary place. But as I've said before... it's the dark, ugly, scary, boring, chaotic, difficult things of life that make the beautiful things of life just that much more beautiful. 

Yesterday I walked into a GROCERY STORE of all places to do grown-upy things. (Yes, you read correctly...grown-upy). I was, of course, buying groceries. Super exciting, right? But while I was there people who worked at the grocery store unexpectedly made my day. There was one worker in particular that really impressed me. He was unashamedly welcoming people to the store (like... REALLY welcoming... not just welcoming because he would get fired if he didn't do it). He genuinely cared about the people around him and made sure that everything was done smoothly and correctly. I complimented his natural zeal for life and he looked at me and said “Look, my job gets really stressful and frustrating... but when that happens... all I can do is make the most of it and just focus on caring about everyone around me. I'd rather be happy wherever I am and help others feel the same way than be ungrateful.” 

Wow... how convicting. How inspiring. This man was literally putting boring groceries in a boring grocery plastic bag and putting them in a boring cart... but his honest heart and great attitude made him look like a king in a palace. I LOVE that. I love when God reminds me to be thankful in spite of bleak circumstances. That just makes life sweeter and easier somehow. Maybe that is the “rest”  Jesus was talking about in Matthew 11:28 when he said, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” There is just something freeing about learning to be content in Christ... and even more freeing when you learn to serve others through being content. It is not in our human nature. It isn't easy at first... but once you realize how God's grace works through you... it is beautiful. 
And it makes life beautiful again. 

Yesterday evening I got to work out with Sarah... my awesome roomie/friend that God provided at the perfect time. 
We made some delicious goat cheese pizza. 
I slept in my own cozy bed in my air conditioned apartment. 
I went to Starbucks this morning to see my dear co-workers/friends and to get some yummy coffee (before going to teach at a school that I love). 
While I was in line for that coffee I had a short but inspiring conversation with one of our regulars.
I've had people ask how I really am... and opportunities to ask others how they really are. 

Life is what you make it. 

So why am I so afraid or frustrated by this life? I mean, I know this world is not our home... but we were still put here for a time and reason, right? Why not make the most of it even while doing grown-upy things? ;) 

I know I sound like a broken record with this whole “being content” thing... but it is such an important lesson in my life right now. I am so blessed and so thankful. Really... I'm not just saying that. 

Life is beautiful. 

"Sing, O barren one"

Isaiah 54 is a beautiful passage. It is my testimony. I don't even want to say anything else because I don't need to. The passage speaks for itself.


54 The Eternal Covenant of Peace

“Sing, O barren one, who did not bear;
break forth into singing and cry aloud,
you who have not been in labor!
For the children of the desolate one will be more
than the children of her who is married,” says the Lord.
2 “Enlarge the place of your tent
and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out;
do not hold back; lengthen your cords
and strengthen your stakes.
3 For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left,
and your offspring will possess the nations
and will people the desolate cities.
4 “Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;
be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;
for you will forget the shame of your youth,
and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
5 For your Maker is your husband,
the Lord of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
the God of the whole earth he is called.
6 For the Lord has called you
like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit,
like a wife of youth when she is cast off,
says your God.
7 For a brief moment I deserted you,
but with great compassion I will gather you.
8 In overflowing anger for a moment
I hid my face from you,
but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,”
says the Lord, your Redeemer.
9 “This is like the days of Noah[a] to me:
as I swore that the waters of Noah
should no more go over the earth,
so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you,
and will not rebuke you.
10 For the mountains may depart
and the hills be removed,
but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,
and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,”
says the Lord, who has compassion on you.
11 “O afflicted one, storm-tossed and not comforted,
behold, I will set your stones in antimony,
and lay your foundations with sapphires.
12 I will make your pinnacles of agate,
your gates of carbuncles,
and all your wall of precious stones
13 All your children shall be taught by the Lord,
and great shall be the peace of your children.
14 In righteousness you shall be established;
you shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear;
and from terror, for it shall not come near you.
15 If anyone stirs up strife,
it is not from me;
whoever stirs up strife with you
shall fall because of you.
16 Behold, I have created the smith
who blows the fire of coals
and produces a weapon for its purpose.
I have also created the ravager to destroy;
17 no weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed,
and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord
and their vindication from me, declares the Lord.”




Amen, Amen!!!

Desires

“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

This verse is and has always been one of my favorites. A very sweet friend of mine, Meridith, reminded me of its truth this week. I have discovered a new truth about this verse as well.

This week, I was told that I would be one of the lead roles in A Christmas Carol at the Tulsa Performing Arts Center. Now... for those of you who are not musically or theatrically inclined or don't know me very well, you might be thinking “I'm so glad Breana is doing something fun!” But for a girl who just graduated with a music theatre degree... I'm thinking, “I can't believe I get to put this on my resume!”

You see, performing and teaching isn't just a fun thing on the side for me... it's my absolute passion and vocation. It's the only “job” that has ever made my heart race and my spirit soar. I can't describe it... but when I am on stage or while I am teaching... I just feel the Spirit there. Every time. I have felt it since I was 12 years old and was in a play for the first time. I felt it last week when one of the students at Augustine sang with a good breath after I showed them how. I can't describe it... but I just know that every single role I have played has been a gift from the Lord and every student I get to help today is an incredible blessing in my life.

Music and theatre has just always felt right to me.

Okay, but here's the thing. Sometimes in our lives...even those things that we know are gifts and paths from the Lord are called into question. We doubt ourselves and the journey we have decided to take.

This last year has been that kind of year for me. While I faced graduation and a long list of other changes that were about to take place... I began to question the path I chose. “Why did I choose music and theatre? I'm never going to get a job in what I love.” “Why do I even bother practicing? I'm about to leave school anyway.” “I'm never going to be good enough to even compete with others in this field.” Or my favorite, “God can't possibly use me in this field... I should just stop.”

It was then that I said, “I'm going to take a break and see if I actually miss music and theatre. I don't think I can put up with how hard it is anymore.”

Little did I know that God's way was not my way or anyone else's. 

My life is proof that God does the impossible. I never in a million years would have dreamed that I would have a job right out of college giving me experience in what I love and feel called to do.

…And getting cast as one of the main roles in A Christmas Carol was just a bonus. For me, this was God looking at me and saying, “This is where you are supposed to be right now. This is what you are supposed to do.”

I have always known that music and theatre were the “desires of my heart.” Yet, after graduation I was planning on giving them up because I didn't think I was good enough.

The truth is? I'm not... not me ALONE anyway. The Lord is my strength and has decided to give these gifts to me. He is the one who puts me on that stage every time. He is the one who places people in my life to share His glory through music and theatre. He can give and take that away at any time He chooses... just like always.

If I delight in Him, He will reveal to me the desires that He has placed in my heart... desires that I didn't know were just as important to Him as they are to me.

My life turned upside down this summer... but I probably would not have been able to do what I love had God not turned my life upside down. 

“Let the bones you have broken rejoice.” Psalm 51:8

And I rejoice because He's slowly picking up the pieces.

Life On Your Knees

These days, there are so many times when I look around and think, “Is this really my life right now?”

I was talking about it with my mom earlier this morning.

You see, I am naturally a planner. Not really in the detailed sense of the word, though. Honestly you probably wouldn't think I am a planner by the way my room looks right now. I tend to be one of the most disorganized planners out of them all.

Despite this, I am the type of planner that likes to know what my future holds so that I can get psyched up for it. I like to prepare not just with tasks... but mentally... emotionally... spiritually... any way that I possibly can so my heart is prepared in the best way possible.

This can be exemplified in big things in my life... such as graduation. (I have been emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically been preparing for that for FOUR years). Or it can be in little things... like going to a movie with friends tonight. I just like to look forward to things.

But there are just some things you can't prepare for... whether those situations are good or bad. There are some things in life that no matter how much you plan.. no matter how much you psych yourself up... the future might not be what you think.

“Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring.” Proverbs 27:1

That verse literally makes my stomach ache sometimes. I know it does, because when my professor, Dr. Lilite, became very well acquainted with this verse... he made it a habit to say phrases like, “We will meet again, God willing.” Every time he said something along those lines... it made me feel uncomfortable for him and for myself. Why choose to look at life with uncertainty when we can pretend it will all happen the way we want it to? I couldn't really understand his perspective until I learned it for myself.

Well, I have now learned the truth of this verse. If there is nothing else I have learned these past couple of months, it's that within two seconds... your life can change completely without warning.

You cannot change it.

You have no say.

You have no time to prepare emotionally... mentally... and yes, even spiritually.

You are left speechless.

You are rendered useless other than to live life on your knees.

...And that is beautiful.

I think we can see it in times when my OBU family and I lost Dr. Todd. We see it in times of turmoil in the middle east. We see it when an orphan cries, a widow is alone, a beggar's stomach rumbles, a rebellious son realizes his sin, a lost soul is painfully aware of the emptiness in her heart.

I've discovered that it's a beautiful thing to live life on your knees instead of in a planner. It's in these times that the grace of God shines through the brightest. That is when He redeems. That is when we see Him... feel Him... remember Him and say “Oh yes Jesus... you are all we need.”

So, I praise the God of our tomorrows. I praise His goodness in not giving us any say of what will happen... because if we had our say... there would be no grace, redemption, or glory to His name.

So dear one, live life on your knees, and live it to the fullest. 

Eyes

I think this is the first time I have written a poem in at least a year. We will see how this goes. 

My eyes are open,

Beauty surrounds

the laughing air.

My eyes are closed,

screaming abounds

I, unaware.

My eyes are open,

Grieving astounds...

comfort nowhere.

My eyes are closed,

Hope is yet found

in my despair.

My eyes are open,

My God surrounds

Before one prayer.  

The Secret About Coffee

My life is surrounded by coffee. Literally.

Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 to go make coffee for other people. This morning I woke up at 6:00 to make coffee for myself. Tomorrow I will wake up at 5:30 and make coffee for other people again. It's just this cycle my life has decided to take.

Actually, this is pretty symbolic of my life right now. One day... I walk into work at Starbucks and I am at the lowest possible place in the work force. Granted, I have only been working there for a month (a month ago today)! So of course it makes sense that I would be emptying out trash cans and washing dishes most of the time instead of making venti salted caramel mocha soy lattes four shots no foam extra hot no whip with extra caramel drizzle extra salt sprinkles and only two and a half pumps of mocha with three and a half pumps of white mocha. (The thought of even making that right now makes my head spin with anxiety). I am absolutely at the mercy of whoever has been working there longer than me (which is almost everyone) and I still have so much to learn.

So one day... I make other people coffee.

The next day... I drive to the school I work at (which is also where I used to go to high school). There, I am no longer at the bottom... but I am on staff with the rest of the teachers. I am an example to the students and hold them accountable to do their work. I have been through high school and I have even been through college (I'm still not over how insane that is by the way...). Not only that, but I am interning with the performing arts director. I get to do what I LOVE! I get to teach the kids how to sing, how to act, how to be an excellent performer... all while pointing them back to the Lord and reminding them why they perform in the first place. So... I basically have my dream job for a couple of days out of the week.

And I start it all off by making myself a cup of coffee.

Tomorrow I'll wake up and make other people coffee again.

Do you see the irony in this situation?

“For I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

Philippians 4:11-12

I think this is a very specific and unique season. Those of you who are really close to me know that the last three months have been the hardest months of my life. However, God is slowly bringing me out of that season of mourning and grief into this season of constant change. Of course He would do that... because He knows that I absolutely hate change (whether good or bad). In spite of this, I am daily in this constant state of being “brought low” and “abounding” one day to the next! 

But you know what is crazy? I am finding that it is absolutely possible to be content in the times when we are “brought low.” We may not always be happy there... but following Christ never guarantees happiness. It can, however, bring joy if we allow it. I actually believe that the times we are brought low can be incredibly beautiful because they make the times when we abound so much more sweeter. I don't think I would love teaching kids how to sing as much if I wasn't washing dishes every other day. But then again.. I am choosing to be thankful that I wash dishes every other day.. because that is the job the Lord has provided for me for this specific time in my life. Even that is a HUGE blessing because He has provided so much for me that He never had to provide. While my life has been hard... it really could be so much worse. Yet, even if it was worse, I would still learn to be content because He is my strength.

That's the secret. The Lord is my strength. Not coffee that I make for myself or other people. Not my circumstances. Not my friends or family. He is it!

...But a cup of coffee is still nice to have every once in a while. :)  

Bruised Tomatoes

It's been a really long time since I have done this.
This whole... "writing thing"...

When I was younger, I used to write ALL THE TIME. My mind couldn't stop coming up with things to write about... I had so much I wanted to say... so much I wanted to share. I thought everything I had to say was significant, meaningful, and good.

However, somewhere along the way in my adolescence... I was hurt by a couple of very close friends. This isn't unusual at all.. actually it's quite normal for a young teenager. I am sure anyone can agree to this. Your emotions are high and never the same from one minute to the next... everything hits you hard (whether good or bad)... and your heart is completely vulnerable because you think the world is all sunshine and teddy bears.
Once I realized that the world was in fact NOT sunshine and teddy bears, I decided that my voice was no longer worthy. I mean, I have written a FEW things here and there... but not nearly as much as I did before I was hurt. I never realized how deeply my heart was hurt when all of that stuff went down.

And that's because I didn't deal with it... but I'm dealing with it now.

I miss writing. A lot. And even though it takes an insane amount of vulnerability for me, I am willing to step out and try again. This is a lot like a scene in a play where you have a huge monologue to perform and the only one out there is you. It's really exciting because for a few moments... everyone is focused on YOU. But it's also really really scary because you have to be vulnerable... you have to be exposed... and most of the time the audience is not going to throw grace at you when you forget your lines. They are already gripping their tomatoes just waiting for you to slip up.
But despite the bruised tomatoes...  there is grace. Not grace from the audience of course, but grace from the One who put us on stage in the first place. This is a truth I am learning every day.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
2 Corinthians 12:9

This verse gets me every time. It continually reminds me that it's not about us or what we do or what we wish we could do... it is about God and His incredible grace. When we go through trials that we literally cannot handle on our own strength... that is when we realize that He is strong enough. That's why I am starting this blog. I was not an english major... I haven't been writing for a while so I am a little rusty... and you are going to find several mistakes if you choose to read what I write. These mistakes could be evident in grammar or about what I had for breakfast this morning.

But you know what? I am done taking the hurt from the tomatoes... I am finished allowing my hurt to get in the way of His unending grace because His grace is so much bigger than that. I want to write... I want to sing... I want to create art for His glory. Yeah, it isn't perfect... but His grace is what makes it all beautiful in the first place.

That's my first rant of the day... I didn't expect it to have anything to do with tomatoes... but life surprises you like that sometimes. ;)