Desires

“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

This verse is and has always been one of my favorites. A very sweet friend of mine, Meridith, reminded me of its truth this week. I have discovered a new truth about this verse as well.

This week, I was told that I would be one of the lead roles in A Christmas Carol at the Tulsa Performing Arts Center. Now... for those of you who are not musically or theatrically inclined or don't know me very well, you might be thinking “I'm so glad Breana is doing something fun!” But for a girl who just graduated with a music theatre degree... I'm thinking, “I can't believe I get to put this on my resume!”

You see, performing and teaching isn't just a fun thing on the side for me... it's my absolute passion and vocation. It's the only “job” that has ever made my heart race and my spirit soar. I can't describe it... but when I am on stage or while I am teaching... I just feel the Spirit there. Every time. I have felt it since I was 12 years old and was in a play for the first time. I felt it last week when one of the students at Augustine sang with a good breath after I showed them how. I can't describe it... but I just know that every single role I have played has been a gift from the Lord and every student I get to help today is an incredible blessing in my life.

Music and theatre has just always felt right to me.

Okay, but here's the thing. Sometimes in our lives...even those things that we know are gifts and paths from the Lord are called into question. We doubt ourselves and the journey we have decided to take.

This last year has been that kind of year for me. While I faced graduation and a long list of other changes that were about to take place... I began to question the path I chose. “Why did I choose music and theatre? I'm never going to get a job in what I love.” “Why do I even bother practicing? I'm about to leave school anyway.” “I'm never going to be good enough to even compete with others in this field.” Or my favorite, “God can't possibly use me in this field... I should just stop.”

It was then that I said, “I'm going to take a break and see if I actually miss music and theatre. I don't think I can put up with how hard it is anymore.”

Little did I know that God's way was not my way or anyone else's. 

My life is proof that God does the impossible. I never in a million years would have dreamed that I would have a job right out of college giving me experience in what I love and feel called to do.

…And getting cast as one of the main roles in A Christmas Carol was just a bonus. For me, this was God looking at me and saying, “This is where you are supposed to be right now. This is what you are supposed to do.”

I have always known that music and theatre were the “desires of my heart.” Yet, after graduation I was planning on giving them up because I didn't think I was good enough.

The truth is? I'm not... not me ALONE anyway. The Lord is my strength and has decided to give these gifts to me. He is the one who puts me on that stage every time. He is the one who places people in my life to share His glory through music and theatre. He can give and take that away at any time He chooses... just like always.

If I delight in Him, He will reveal to me the desires that He has placed in my heart... desires that I didn't know were just as important to Him as they are to me.

My life turned upside down this summer... but I probably would not have been able to do what I love had God not turned my life upside down. 

“Let the bones you have broken rejoice.” Psalm 51:8

And I rejoice because He's slowly picking up the pieces.