Christmas Dreams

As I look outside amidst the cloudy skies and feel the crisp foreboding bite of winter, I realize that this is such a bittersweet season.
For the first time in my life, I don't look at Christmas the way that I used to every year. The Christmas lights don't twinkle the same, the music doesn't immediately make me want to belt out familiar lyrics and I am in no mood to decorate anything.
Do I look at myself in sudden horror and wonder if I am in fact turning into a boring grinch-y adult? Absolutely not. I still believe Christmas is magical and beautiful just as much as I did before.
It's just that I never realized how much grief really does affect Christmas.
I used to wonder why some people became so sad around the holidays. I mean, I always understood it was because of a lost family member or a rough relationship... but I never got it. This year, the Lord has opened my eyes and made me sympathetic with those who grieve on Christmas. This is because I have a very real loss of my own.

This may sound kind of strange, but I am actually thankful for this realization.

For the sake of being completely transparent and honest, a year ago my view of this Christmas in particular was completely different. A week and half from now will be the day that I once became engaged. Here I am almost a full year later and the diamond is no longer on my finger. A year ago, I dreamed of this Christmas being the first one as a married woman... and yet that particular dream never came true.
Now let's be clear, I am not being transparent to ask for your pity. The last thing I want to hear from anyone who reads this full post is "poor Breana." That's not the point.

The point is that Christmas has a habit of bringing the truth to light. This is why it can be either beautiful or hurtful. I think it's both. Dreams either come true or they don't.

Last year, a dream came true for me. This year, that dream now remains a dream.

Now, let's not forget that I admitted I was thankful for this realization. While there are some days I cannot breathe and ask the Lord, "Why me?" Still, there are other days when I ask the Lord, "Why me?" in a humbled and thankful state. I believe this is how Mary felt when God chose her to bear Christ as a son. While we praise and honor Mary for her purity and servant heart to the Lord... there had to be times that she also suffered. She was ridiculed by others who believed she had been with a man before marriage, her betrothed almost left her, she traveled days and nights without a home in search of a lowly town...
Carrying the Son of Man was a burden indeed.

At times I feel the same way. Carrying Christ in my heart can absolutely be a burden. Resolving to forgive Him for MY dream not coming true every day is hard. Living with this new life I did not foresee is hard. Being content in the midst of emptiness and an unknown future is hard.

Yet, just as Mary found she was closer to God than she ever dreamed she would be... so have I. Although Mary endured many hardships and probably asked the Lord, "Why me?" so many times... as soon as she found God in the flesh wrapped in her arms it was all worth giving up the life she had known before.
"Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart." Luke 2:19

And although the dreams I had a year ago are now faded and lost... Christ is nearer to me than I can even begin to express. I would not trade that for a million weddings.

I am always and forever will be His bride.

And that is the most beautiful dream that could ever come true for me this Christmas.