The Winning Light

The grief journey is a daily thing.
A one day at a time basis.

You begin in complete darkness, feeling lost and out of place.

As you walk one day at a time you experience the painful anniversaries. You will walk along the road of life feeling proud of yourself, then suddenly you remember the significance of a certain day. The memory happened a year ago and all of the emotions flood into your wounded heart. The scar becomes a fresh cut and once again you struggle to breathe and to stop the bleeding. This has happened to me a lot this year as I have remembered each anniversary.

The darkness comes back every time.

I am now at last to the point where I have walked through almost every single memory up until things fell apart last summer.
I had often wondered what I would feel this June. Would I still feel sad? Angry? Would I even care?
Now that it's finally here... I can safely say I am thankful. If I am being completely honest, I am relieved the anniversaries have passed but I also praise God for them. I praise Him for His incredible ways of comfort and provision in spite of my grief.

In spite of the darkness.

I have learned so much this year, yet, I still find that in His ever loving provision I am still so much like the Israelites. I still fear the unknown. I still question if He will save the day even though He has always proven to do so. I still fully realize that I am human and I WILL mess up.

I still fear the darkness.

Yet... I have walked through the burning heat of last summer, the welcome relief of fall, the comforting winter nights, and the redemption of a pouring spring.

One day at a time. In and out of darkness.

Now... I finally see the sun.

I can look straight at its burning glory and let its warmth envelop me. I have found I can laugh at the days to come because I have learned to take one day at a time. I can't do this whole life thing on my own. I won't do it perfectly and I will get hurt.
Yet I know I have learned one thing for sure... the dark won't last forever. The grace of God will always win.

The light will win over the darkness.

I remember listening to this song a good friend showed me months ago when I was in my rough season:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-6IqP7UQQU

I could barely listen to this song because I wondered if it would ever come true. I actually wanted to stay in the dark. I never wanted to see the sun again because I was so badly wounded by losing my happiness and joy. Now, I have found that with each day that passes my heart has been put back together slowly in such a beautiful way.

I have realized that before I could see the sun again, I had to walk through the darkness and the rain. This is just like the crazy rain we had the last couple of weeks (not the light, misty kind...the intense flooding kind). The rain came and washed away all of the yuck, all of the grossness inside, and now there is only light. There is only forgiveness.

Now that my heart has been cleansed, the sun doesn't seem so scary anymore.

When I think of what happened a year ago... I don't struggle to breathe. In fact, I can smile. I am new... I am forgiven... and now I can finally forgive in return. I refuse to just survive. I will now live.

A year ago, the sun was blinding. Now? I can't get enough of it. I am changed for His glory forever.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. 

The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."

2 Corinthians 5:17